hey everyone and anyone who reads this...today has been a brutal day...so i got laid off work today i basically hate my life right about now things are just not goin my way my life is shit im behind on bills im a long distance relationship and who knows when ill get to see my gf again with my no income...im gonna have to miss her bday the first bday in our relationship and i feel like shit..i feel helpless so here i am sittin in my room drinkin some beer by myself tryin to vent in some sort of way! now what else can i vent about??.....boys.... im totally gay right but for some strange unual reason... i have a huuuuuge crush on a guy that i now USED to work with...totally cute right nice guy just my type...well the type of guy i used to go for before i came out ...everyone at work knows about my crush.. like butterlies in my tummy when i think of him blush when i see him type crush...he totally knows i mean work is just like high school it doesnt matter how old anyone there is its ridiculous but anyways he knows and hasnt made a move... wont even give a reason why and no one undertands why he wouldnt either ...apparently im not too poor off when it comes to looks according to some at work and the possibilities of threesomes is inevitable since i would have to stay true to my roots lol no one will just accept the fact that maybe he relly isnt interested or if he is stil not kewl with the idea considering well one we work together...2 im gay...3 in a relationship...ppl are starting to question his sexuality bc of it or think hes a virgin and is too intimidated due to my past sexual experiences...poor guy i stick up for him all the time and he totally has no idea...we were supposed to hang out friday but he blew me off what a jerkass...if hes not interested i dont see why we cant still be friends...fact of the matter is...im totally awesome...jk but in all seriousness i am fun to hang out with i swear...well anyways i think thats it for now

Current Mood: angry

hey hey this is renee and this is my first post!! i have no clue how to relly work this thing but i am tryin! i figure for my first post i would talk about my first love...her name is amy! we've been together for almost 8 months now and i came out of the closet for her since i loved her so much i didnt want to keep her a secret... i came out the day after my bday...needless to say it relly didnt turn out well although things have gotten much better since then! i am 21 years old and amy will be 23 in 10 days time... she is absolutely wonderful and beautiful in her own sense and she has a great family who immediately welcomed me as their own. but of course like any other relatonship we do have our problems.... this whole relationship...well its a long distance one. we are about 3 hours or so driving distance but since i am too terrified to get behind the wheel of a car i take the bus which is starting to become too expensive every weekend plus time consuming!! so this leaves me with a dilemma..... is it worth it? although i do love her more then life itself i am starting to find that i am quite unhappy most of the time... when we are together for the short period of time we get to see eachother due to work schedules...we have started fighting a lt more..... then theres the other women i our lives...our temptations or girls that are crushin on either one of us that dont seem to go away in the sense that you cant be yourself around your own gf due to the respect one would like to show for that certain friend.... then there is the jealousy involved with such women and being away most of the time not seeing how they act around eachother when your not around makes you wonder....is she relly interested in her as well? then theres the fact that I am the one spending my whole paycheck as well as endless hours on the bus to go see her every weekend whereas its once in a blue ,moon i get to stay here and hang out with my friends!! my younger sister was in a relationship where she never spoke or saw her friends because she wasnt aloud to...i wanted to hurt the guy but i refraned...now that they are no longer together...she also no longer has these friendships either...i dont want to end up like that!!! i know she loves me and i love her and i hate being away from her so much that i only do get to see her weekends...but i dont think she realizes what im giving up to be with her.... i am always broke living from paycheck to paycheck... i never get to see my friends or family on my days off whereas she gets to wake up and see hers everyday...even the women crushin on her get what should be MY time with her. i miss my friends i miss goin out to bars and havin fun with them i miss seeing family members i never get to see anymore... i miss having money in my bank account!! thinkin about this entire dilemma brings tears to my eyes everytime.. i sat on my bed last night crying with my baby sister because it hurts so much... im so torn frustrated and confused... i love her i dont want to be without her but i find more and more that its just as hard to be with her... so in the end the only question i am still left with is....is it worh it?

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: good charlotte